Plot Spoiler: Its rubbish. ‘nuff said.

This film is diabolical in every aspect; I had to refrain from turning it off and flushing it down the toilet after less than five minutes viewing, and only watched it to the end so you don’t have to. The plot is weak, basic and so predictable I figured out the entire story just from the opening sequence. The acting is wooden, and the apparently groundbreaking CGI is no better than a high-end TV movie or a Japanese drink’s commercial.

“Ninja” tells the flaccid and obvious tale of Casey, an American orphan taken in by a Japanese Sensei and raised as one of his own amongst his devout Ninjutsu students. Overcoming racial prejudice and winning the hearts of at least one of his fellow students, Casey of course becomes the Sensei’s favourite protégé much to the chagrin of his arch rival (he’s clearly bad to the bone because he’s the only one in black), who is expelled from the Dojo, vows revenge on everyone and tries to steal a sacred case full of something I couldn’t care less about.

Not only is the plot poorly conceived and badly written, its obvious and boring. The only way I could make watching Ninja an interesting experience was to try and pre-empt what would happen next, and even that game got old very quickly, because it was just too easy.

The action scenes are stale and unimpressive, with some, quite frankly, laughable wirework and poor quality CGI effects. There was only one scene that was passable, where the rogue ninja (still in black because he’s baaaaaaaad, but now we know he’s even badder because he smokes and wears sunglasses…) assassinates a VIP and his entourage in such a tightly choreographed attack it appeared to have been spliced in from another film as its pace and quality was so different from the rest.

The remainder of the film is a trite succession of poorly rehearsed tableaux interspersed with generic fight scenes in which the normally accomplished female Ninja is constantly and infuriatingly defeated, captured or almost sexually assaulted by the big bad henchmen, needing Casey to repeatedly come to her rescue so she can’t help but fall in love with him. Yawn.

I can’t actually believe anyone allowed this film to be made, let alone wanted anyone to see it once it was. Whatever you do next time you’re bored and need a distraction, don’t watch Ninja unless you desperately want your intelligence to be brutally patronised and insulted. If you get even slightly tempted, I advise you to bang your head repeatedly against a wall as the end result will be far less painful and marginally more enjoyable.