Let’s get something out of the way first. When I was 10 years old, the highlight of my week was going to play with a kid who was in my class. I did this, not because I liked him (he was a deeply annoying and insecure cry-baby) but because he had a Sonic the Hedgehog game on his SEGA MegaDrive. I’m a little ashamed to admit that I used to spend Saturday afternoons at his house glued to the console and completely ignoring my playmate. Children can be so cruel.

The reason I bring this up is not to exorcise any personal demons or make peace with my inner child, but to demonstrate that I am a very pro-Sonic person. This makes it all the more difficult to write the following: Sonic the Hedgehog is utter pants.

This new version of the 90’s classic (which bears the same name as the original) presents a high resolution, 3D world in which the spiky blue chap races around collecting stuff and fighting evil robots. While this kind of set-up isn’t going to win it any awards for originality, it does sort of stay true to what the Sonic ‘experience’ is all about. Sadly, the game deviates from what made its 16-bit predecessor so compelling in just about every other respect.

The sense of speed found in classic Sonic makes it in here to a certain extent, but the control mechanism isn’t just inconsistent, it’s rubbish. Even the slightest twitch of the joystick sends the hapless hedgehog plummeting into a bottomless ravine, forcing you to re-start the level. Jumping is frustrating and imprecise, and glitches in the graphics mean that the scenery will occasionally disappear at random, making you feel like you’re trapped in a sadistic four year-old’s take on Salvador Dali. In fairness, this would be fine if it was just an avant-garde, super-difficult game, but that’s just not the case. It isn’t difficult or clever; it’s unfinished and almost completely unplayable.

Sonic didn’t cope with the shift from two to three dimensions anywhere near as well as Mario and, while the Italian plumber has continued to score hit after hit, the Hedgehog hasn’t made a decent game in more than 12 years. Sadly, this new outing is a long way from what Sonic needs to break his losing streak; in fact it’s more like adding insult to injury.

Sonic the Hedgehog is out now for Xbox 360.